just a typical hello convo with the moms. I complained about how poorly i’m doing in school due to my senioritis, and she joked with “what are you distracted by?! You still haven’t brought home a boy!!!” Ay, mama, patience. I think I’m scared of guys, lol. It’s too much emotional burden for me to entrust my insecurities/secrets/family problems/idiosyncrasies to someone. On top of that, I find it hard to believe that anyone would still like me after knowing everything. I’m super weird and I talk too much— esp when I’m drunk. I open the crazy jar immediately, not slowly…like my friends tell me to… I don’t think that’s a good fit for anyone. I expect too much too. Most common thing I’ve heard this year: “you need to lower your standards, esther”. But… I want to think that I’m just not ready. I love “me” time a little too much. Sometimes, I’m surprised I even have friends.
-end random rant-
Yep. my whole apartment weighed themselves and complained to each other. I stayed in my room and pretended not to hear. It’s not okay when you know other people weigh so much more than you… but you want to verbalize how “high” your weight is… so you complain to that person… do you not have any empathy at all. All girls have body image issues…. why can’t you understand that.
speaking of that, I refuse to take photos for the next month. my face….. omg. I shall be photographer instead!
oh. my. goodness. i seriously spent all of today after learning i bombed 2 exams hating myself, and anyone who tried to talk to me. What is wrong with me.
I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I’m not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I’m not keeping now the strength I need to push me
MOST PROBABLY why I was so hooked on the books. lol. I thought I was reading about myself for a lot of the books, but I also thought I was probably being crazy. Nope, confirmation received. I was right. It’s mainly the way she processes her relationships with guys. Hate vs. like? Hrmmm. Regardless, at least her options weren’t bad =).
And please excuse the photo spam… and random venting. Sometimes I can’t help myself.
So… I haven’t been able to look at pictures of myself in a very long time. I actually still can’t. I feel like my fat face takes up half the space of the photos, lol. And of course, this weekend will be streaked with photo taking. I’m dying inside a little. The other day people complimented me on a picture that was taken 2 years ago— what I wish I still looked like. They were like “Omg you’re so photogenic!” No. I was photogenic. I am no longer photogenic, I’m a photo-phobic. And of course my ankle decided to die on me this past week so that means very little successful working out will occur. Seriously, will the ugly ever end.
